The following is a true story, shared by a friend.  It is also my story and yours.  We often think we have left the past behind only to have it jump up and come to life in the most unexpected of times. This story reflects how the imprint of a childhood experience can have a present day impact. Sara was bullied when she was a child and things were often taken away from her. She felt angry and often had bruises and scars from fighting to protect herself. What she didn’t realize was that this long-ago bullying was still a button or trigger for her.

Sara’s family had been on a trip and each of the family members had collected colorful rocks.  The bag of rocks Sara had picked up was in the car and one of the family members brought it in the house. One evening the family was discussing how the bag of rocks was to be shared. Unexpectedly and all of a sudden Sara found herself saying angry words to the family she loved about these being her rocks.  She was overwhelmed with the intensity of feeling.

Sara bolted from the table and went into another room, leaving her family. All sorts of angry and hurt feelings came boiling up. She didn’t know why she was reacting. By herself, Sara boo-hooed and let all the feelings roll out.  Then she began questioning herself, “What’s going on here?  Where is this coming from?  I don’t understand these feelings.” She was quiet for a while trying to figure it out. Then it hit her! She was bullied as a kid and those same feelings came up in this situation, even though the situation was different and her family had not intended to bully her. The scars of the past experience were still with her and the trigger had been pushed.

Since this was not like Sara, her stunned family gave her the space to be alone with this.  After a bit, she talked to her partner, then to the children. Sara first apologized, then explained to them why this had happened.  Through tears, sobs and snot, she told them what had happened to her as a kid and why she reacted to this rocky event.

The apology and explanation is ever so important.  We are embarrassed and confused when we explode like this.  Often it takes some soul searching to figure out what happened.  When we know, it is important to tell those we love so they understand.  It helps all to heal. In addition, honest communication, shared and received in love, builds the bond of trust and connection in relationships.  Lack of sharing leaves the door open for misunderstanding. Family members begin to walk on egg shells because they don’t know when Sara is going to erupt again. Finally, giving someone space and then at the right time talking is critical to individual and relationship health. We often need time to go the cave and figure things out. Amazingly, those we love often can and do push our triggers most easily.  Often we are in relationships with people so that we can work through the triggers – and help each other to grow.

These long-held feelings that come up for healing – usually unexpected — are a gift. They hit us like a brick so that we can’t ignore them.  They come out of the dusty, dark, storage closet because it is time for us to heal them. They are not a punishment, but an opportunity. So when this happens to you, don’t run – stop, look and heal.