We often get involved —- way too involved —- in taking care of everything and everyone, controlling situations so they unfold exactly as we think they should play out, or fixing not only our lives, but the lives of everyone around us.  There are times when giving and caring is the right thing to do. We help others, extend a heart in kindness, and make a difference.   However, there are other times when we stick our noses into things that are not our deal.  It is someone else’s deal – their learning experience, growth opportunity, lesson or simply their life decision – not ours.

There are many situations that we want to “fix”, but maybe it’s just not our deal to do that.  Family conflicts between brother and sister, parent and child are hard to stay out of, particularly when they extend over time. We want family to be the ideal – loving, sharing and enjoying each other.  In reality, many families have conflicts that are never resolved and they hover over everyone like a storm cloud.  We can try to mediate, but if that doesn’t work, understand that the situation may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other people. I recently talked with a friend whose sister was caring for their parents and wanting to make decisions for their care. Repeatedly the sister would call my friend and ask her to support a controversial decision regarding the mother.  My friend Muriel felt like she was caught in the middle, until she realized that this deal was between her mother and her sister. They needed to work out long-standing issues and it was not her deal.  Parents often face this with children, and grandparents with grandchildren.  Seeing a child make life-altering decisions that have long-term impact or watching an autistic grandchild struggle without needed care is hard, very hard.  Yet, it may not be our deal! All of us make life choices and decisions – some good, some not so good.  We often repeat a negative pattern over and over – until we finally get it.   Procrastination, over-spending, tobacco, food, relationships, resentments are just some of the many patterns we repeat over and over. We all have our own deals — and only we can choose to change those deals.

We often try to change and control others – and find that we cannot change anyone. People make their own decisions to change or not change, move forward or not, to continue or leave. We work to have situations, meetings, or conversations unfold just as we have planned. When they don’t, we push, manipulate and control to make things go the way they should go – or the way we think they should go. All of this fixing and controlling can be very stressful, frustrating and maddening. Often people or events move and flow in ways that are directly opposite of our ideas.   Everyone has their own agenda, lessons, and reasons for doing what they do. We often don’t know or understand the motives.  The question is: What part of this is my deal?  What is not my deal? How can I let go of, keep a distance from, not get pulled into, stay neutral with, walk away from, or pass on – something that is not my deal?  The truth is we have enough of our own deals to work through – why take on those of someone else?  Please take loving care of yourself!